My neighbor is a certified redneck,
I can safely say with great aplomb.
For the tires on his pickup are bigger
Than those on his 1973 mobile home.
His pickup has more chrome than paint,
And it has a red rag for a gas cap.
He stays awake for pro wrestling,
But during the news he takes a nap.
This redneck's concept of dressing up
Is to put on a clean Coors T-shirt.
And his wife, bless her poor heart,
Has lots of jeans but not one skirt.
The only religious day he observes
I think, is Hank Williams' birthday.
If anybody ever yells "Hey, Bubba",
He's guaranteed to look that way.
All of his Levis have a clear circle
Worn there on the right, hip side.
And with the anti-tobacco liberals
He just cannot and will not abide.
My neighbor's personal social manners
Leave quite a lot to be desired.
He belches after consuming a six-pack,
And after Mexican food he has backfired.
But, after all, he's a good ol' boy,
So maybe I shouldn't complain.
There's no scientific evidence to prove
Watching "Hee Haw" reruns drives one insane.
I wish he would turn his 8-track down
After midnight so I can hit the sack.
And I do think it's way beyond tacky
For his son's bicycle to have a gun rack.
Suffering in silence is my only course,
That is, if I want to say alive.
'Cause sure as shootin', I tell you,
Those ol' rednecks will survive.
_________________________________End.
Written at Snyder, Tx. on 11/23/91.
A Friendly Argument
by Stan Paregien, Sr. It was an odd match, the towns folks all say. Two drifters, one young and one old and gray. The buckeroo rode a mustang 13 hands tall, While the old coot rode a jackass fairly small. They camped west of town, along the creek. They stayed there, I reckon, about a week. At dusk each night, regular as could be done, They visited the town saloon for some fun. One night, playing cards, they made a fuss, And the old coot began to shout and cuss. "You cheated me, son," he said, holding a whiskey glass. "We're through. I'll kiss your mustang and you can kiss my...ah, mule."
The Wet Sinner
by Stan Paregien, Sr. Copyright 1992 Henry Bellows was an old-time cowboy Over on the giant Slash K spread. He was not exactly an atheist but, then again, Religion had just never much in his head. 'Course, that was before he married Widow O'Riley when he was fifty-three. She was a dedicated Christian and Was determined to convert old Henry. Now the fly in the ointment was that Henry had himself a reputation grand. He could do more smokin', drinkin' and Cussin' than anybody in the land. "There's nothing that prayer and the Lord Cannot change," said she, when they wed. But no matter how much she pleaded, His rowdy ways seemed almost inbred. Her big chance came in the summer of '56, At a revival at the country congregation. "Preacher," she said, "I'll get him here "So you can explain his unsaved situation." Her plan sounded pretty doggone easy, But it sure didn't turn out thata way. When she asked him to go to the revival, He began to cuss and balk and bray. "Henry, unless you attend our revival, No more home cookin' will you be fed. And something else for you to think about, You'll be sleeping out in a bunkhouse bed." Henry fussed and fumed at this womanish And unwelcome intrusion on his way of life. And the thought of no cussing, smoking or Whiskey cut him like a dull gelding knife. But a smart cowboy knows when to bend, Rather than to unyieldingly stand and break. So he agreed to go to the revival, and on His wife's theological biases to meditate. The first night ol' Henry hung his head Like a stallion first broke to ride. Being there in church was an awful blow To his rough and tumble cowboy pride. Funny thing happened, though, as the revival Wound near the end of the first long week. Old Henry lifted his head up a bit And at his wife's Bible did take a peek. Five nights later something happened And everyone was wonderfully surprised. For Henry went forward at the invitation And said he was ready to be baptized. The preacher went on about how Henry's Example would lead others to the Lord. "You see, my dear brethren," he orated loud, "How the Word is mightier than the sword." Down at the river, the preacher said: "Henry's heart has changed, oh so true." And he grabbed Henry by his collar and Pulled him backward beneath the water blue. Now, Henry had never seen anyone baptized And he wasn't exactly ready for it, yet. He came up out of the river spittin' water And cussing because his tobacco got wet. Henry's poor wife was mortified and She fainted right there on the spot. And the visiting evangelist, well, He decided Henry's New Birth was not. To tell you the truth, folks around here Are still talking about Henry, even yet. The only difference they could see was that He went down a dry sinner and came up wet.