There is just something in the blood and genes of a genuine cowboy that predisposes him or her to tell tall tales. Big windies, some people call ‘em. A real cowboy will never tell a bald-faced fact when there is time to stretch the blanket.
That's what happened one night around a campfire out on the Coyote Hills Ranch, kinda northwest of Cheyenne, Oklahoma. Folks were singing songs and sharing experiences about their Western lifestyle. Someone noticed that Slim McGee had not said a word and asked him to share some memory.
"Well, boys, I was just sittin' here lookin' at that roarin' fire and remembering how I sure coulda used a torch or something to save my hide a few years back. You see, I was cowboyin' way out west in the mountains of New Mexico, and let daylight quit on me before I could get back to my line shack. There had been big clouds drifting by all day long, so it was so dark I couldn't see more'n ten feet in front of me. I just let my ol' horse have his head and hoped he would find the way back to the Boar's Nest. But we didn't never find the line shack that night, because about that very minute all hell broke loose."
Everyone around the campfire looked right at Slim, eager to hear what terrible thing befell the old cowpuncher. He knew he had us hooked, so he took his sweet time and sipped the coffee in his tin cup.
"Best as I recall, my horse and me had just started down a little draw when something let out with a terrible roar. My horse came undone and dumped me right in the dirt, and he lit out for parts unknown. I could hear that horse thrashing through the brush in a desperate attempt to escape. And that's when the creature roared again."
Slim knew he had this bunch in the palm of his hand as he walked over to the big black coffee pot and poured himself another cup of brew.
"What kind of creature was it?" a young female buckaroo said.
"I couldn't see it right then," Slim continued, "but from that sound I knew it was a bear. A danged big bear just twenty yards or so away. And me with no rifle, not even a pistol.
"So, folks, I did the only thing I could. I ran to the nearest pine tree, jumped up and caught the lower limb and started climbing hard and fast. I was maybe thirty feet that big pine tree when I heard that bear let out another squall that shook the branches. The next thing I knew, it was coming up that tree faster than I had. You could hear those big claws of his ripping into the wood as he shinnied up closer to me.
"I ain't much afraid of man nor beast, but I felt that as a gentleman I should give that bear as much room as possible seein' as how he intended to share my tree. So I climbed up to the top of that tree. I reckon the top part had been hit by lightning, because I was sittin' on a stout branch and there was nothing above me or around me. It was so high that I could see a tiny sliver of the moon as clouds drifted by. But that was the end of the trail. I couldn't go any higher.
"Mr. Bruin could, though, and he came right on up. He was huffing and puffing and roaring just like he was ringing the dinner bell. And I was the main course on his menu.
" ‘Bout that time, he came into my view. He was only ten or twelve feet below me, and I could see that he was black as coal. His fierce eyes were shining and his long claws gleaming in the little moonlight that could get through the branches. It was a delicate situation, I'm here to tell ya, but my experience grabbin' rattlesnakes barehanded and popping their heads off sure came in handy," Slim said as he squatted down on his heels and took another sip of coffee.
"What happened?" Buster James said with obvious impatience. "You aren't gonna tell us you popped that bear's head off, are you?"
"Oh, no. It wasn't like that, a'tall. By the time that ol' bear had climbed that far up the tree, he was gettin' tired and his long, red tongue was hanging out of his mouth like a bandanna. Well, boys, I did the onlyest thing I could. With my left hand, I hung onto that tree for dear life while I latched on to that bear's tongue with my right hand. With all my might I swung that big bear up over my head and on about the second loop, I snapped him just like a bull whip. I plum jerked that bear's insides out, and I gave him one more loop and sailed him out into the darkness. He made quite a thud when he finally hit the ground. I sat on that limb for about five minutes, just getting my breath. I was sure glad to get shut of that bear."
"That's some story," a whiskered old cowboy said.
"Hold your horses, now," Slim said. "That ain't the end of the story. After I got my breath back, I started to climb down that giant pine tree. Only there was that dadgummed bear climbing right back up the tree. I heard it before I could see it, but it didn't take him long to come into sight. And there he was, with his fierce shiny eyes and his gleaming long claws, and that long, red tongue tossin' slobbers and hanging about a foot out of his mouth.
"Well, boys, I was in trouble again. I did the onlyest thing I could. With my left hand, I hung onto that tree for dear life while I latched on to that bear's tongue with my right hand. With all my might I swung that big bear up over my head and on about the second loop, I snapped him just like a bull whip. I plum jerked that bear's insides out, and I gave him one more loop and sailed him out into the darkness. He made quite a thud when he finally hit the ground. I sat on that limb for about five minutes, just getting my breath. I was sure glad to finally get shut of that bear.
"Only, I wasn't quite through, yet. After I got my breath back, I started to climb down that giant pine tree, again. Only there was that dadgummed bear climbing right back up the tree. I heard it before I could see it, but it didn't take him long to come into sight. And there he was, with his fierce shiny eyes and his gleaming long claws, and that long, red tongue tossin' slobbers and hanging about a foot out of his mouth. I did the onlyest thing I could. With my left hand, I hung onto that tree for dear life while I latched on to that bear's tongue with my right hand. With all my might I swung that big bear up over my head and on about the second loop, I snapped him just like a bull whip. I plum jerked that bear's insides out, and I gave him one more loop and sailed him out into the darkness. He made quite a thud when he finally hit the ground.
"My ol' heart was just a beatin' like a war drum. So I sat there quiet as I could be. I finally got rested up a bit and I started down that giant pine tree, again. Only there was that dadgummed bear climbing right back up the tree. I heard it before I could see it, but it didn't take him long to come into sight. And there he was, with his fierce shiny eyes and his gleaming long claws, and that long, red tongue tossin' slobbers and hanging about a foot out of his mouth. I did the onlyest thing I could. With my left hand, I hung onto that tree for dear life while I latched on to that bear's tongue with my right hand. With all my might I swung that big bear up over my head and on about the second loop, I snapped him just like a bull whip. I plum jerked that bear's insides out, and I gave him one more loop and sailed him out into the darkness. He made quite a thud when he finally hit the ground.
"So I sat there with my own tongue hanging out, huffing and puffing. After I got my breath back, I started to climb down that giant pine tree, again. Only there was that dadgummed bear climbing right back up the tree. I heard it before I could see it, but it didn't take him long to come into sight. And there he was, with his fierce shiny eyes and his gleaming long claws, and that long, red tongue tossin' slobbers and hanging about a foot out of his mouth.
"I did the onlyest thing I could. With my left hand, I hung onto that tree for life while I latched on to that bear's tongue with my right hand. With all my might I swung that big bear up over my head and on about the second loop, I snapped him just like a bull whip. I plum jerked that bear's insides out, and I gave him one more loop and sailed him out into the darkness. He made quite a thud when he finally hit the ground. I sat on that limb for about five minutes, just getting my breath. I was sure glad to finally get shut of that bear.
"Only I wasn't shut of him. No sooner had I started down that giant pine tree but that I heard that dadgummed bear comin' back up again.
"Well, boys, I was in trouble again. I did the onlyest thing I could. With my left hand, I hung onto that tree for dear life while I latched on to that bear's tongue with my right hand. With all my might I swung that big bear up over my head and on about the second loop, I snapped him just like a bull whip. I plum jerked that bear's insides out, and I gave him one more loop and sailed him out into the darkness. He made quite a thud when he finally hit the ground. I sat on that limb for another five minutes, just getting my breath.
"This here's the gospel truth, folks, this kept on all night long. One time right after the other, until I was pert near worn down to a nub. That danged bear just wouldn't stay away from me, or that's what I thought until it finally got light enough to see what had happened. I clumb down that pine tree and found the biggest stack of black bears you've ever seen, and they had all been turned wrong side out."
__________________________________________________ End.
Written at Edmond, Okla., on 5-1-96. This is loosely based on S. Omar Barker's poem, "Big Windies," found in